A fond hello to our investors and shareholders - it's been awhile! We just wanted to pop in and say we have adopted a new slogan for our business that you have probably never heard before - MAGA! MONKEYS ARE GREAT AGAIN!!!!
As we continue to lead the multiverse in worm production and worm-related sundries, we wanted to give a shout out to the hardest working employees of them all at WormCo - the monkeys! We were looking for ways to expand our production and after the robots we mobilized killed a sizable portion of our workforce we nuked the robots from orbit and started over with a small army of monkeys! So far this new MAGA workforce is really helping us here at WormCo turn a profit.
We also have a profit sharing service (see the video to learn more) and our newly rolled out MESPP (monkey employee stock purchase plan) alongside a generous banana-based pension plan and full monkey jockey benefits post retirement.
It is with deep regret that WormCo will not be able to pay dividends to our Turkish shareholders this quarter. Due to a technical glitch in our Turkey office coupled with newly released Sarbanes-Oxley regulations we will not be issuing a dividend this quarter, and we here at WormCo understand this may be a problem. As you can see from the video of our spokespersons breaking the news to one of our big investors, this is not going over well. For those of you that don't speak Turkish, a transcript of the conversation from this video is here:
Cindy Wormsword "I'm sorry but we have some bad news for all of you that are big fans of WormCo here in Turkey" Jim Cockswald(our shareholder, grey jacket) "Ah, yes it is fine, we understand that BigWorm and DaddyWorm will not be attending the Turkish festival in Istanbul this year due to travel restrictions." Blake Wormsmith(dark blue suit and tie) "Actually Mr. Cockswald, WormCo will not be offering a dividend this quarter" Jim Cockswald "WHAT?!? ........" translation ends here as it is not fit to print what Mr. Cockswald said after that.
We understand this is deeply disappointing for all of our Turkish investors, however we hope you will understand that to compensate you for this - every shareholder in Turkey will receive 2 cases of our finest Albanian Grubworms via DHL in the next 10 business days. As you can see once Mr. Cockswald found that out, his entire disposition changed. At the :43 second mark you can clearly hear Ms. Wormsword explaining the 2 free cases of worms to Mr. Cockswald and everyone appears to be back to feeling great about WormCo.
We strive to be the best Worm company in the world. Despite this minor setback, we are confident that our Turkish brethren will continue to DIG THAT DIRT. Up From the Underground!!!
Hello folks. Normally we here at WormCo don't weigh in too heavily on political issues, but this one is really important to us. We already offer a great health care option at WormCo for all of our employees and worms, but the time has come for us to take a stance on this issue.
To us, This picture above completely sums up the debate on health care in the United States. Take a good long look at this picture.
To some, they will see two deadly predators - joined together to enact some sort of devious plan on us all. And wait, what is that - an explosion to boot? This must be bad. We hate it.
To others, they see two majestic creatures, joining forces at last to wreak awesomeness all over the world. They have caused an explosion of excellence to wash over all of us to last for centuries to come. We love it....
For us, health care is the explosion. The shark is our collective apprehension to change, and the gorilla represents a town hall meeting. Let's imagine a manatee off in the distance, gazing upon this awesomeness - and thinking to himself (or herself) 'Wow, that is awesome. how can I get me some of that?' And off in another direction, you would have a cheetah, thinking 'if shark and gorilla can get along, why can't we all?' The manatee and the cheetah are us my friends.... think about it... just .....think about it.
Good ole Gary. 'Course most of us around here know Gary as 'Worm Hunter Extraordinaire.' This seasoned Worm Grunter has been at it for close to 50 years with WormCo - he joined our team right after the Great Depression of 1960. Yes, we know most folks equate THE Great Depression to the crash of '29, but for us in the Worming Industry 1959 - 1961 were about as bad as it gets.
You see, different embargoes around Cuba had led to an increased military presence in the Southeastern United States, particularly Florida in the late 1950s. With all of this increased presence, our Worm Farming and Cultivation programs in worm-rich Florida had fallen upon tough times. WormCo, although we were suffering, understood that covert US operations in the area would have to take precedence over the 'pot o gold' of worms that live in the Florida soil. Heck, the now de-classified 'WITH CHEESE' operation which involved covert operations between top WormCo field operatives and the CIA is widely regarded as one of the top collaborations between a government agency and the private sector in US history.
WITH CHEESE - what was that you ask? Worms In The Heart, Commies Have Exited Each Sector Everywhere. That's right kids, without WormCo Nana wouldn't be living in that cozy retirement village near the Apalachicola Forest - but cleaning streets and speaking Ruskie.
Even after working closely with the government to keep out the commies, WormCo was in shambles financially after the Bay of Pigs incident had come and gone in 1961. Enter Gary - emerging from Tate's Hell like the Phoenix from the ashes. In his job interview, Gary told us 'If I'm a gruntin', them worms they a comin.' We sent our WormCo Research and Development team to check out Gary's claims - and sure enough - Gary was grunting worms out by the truckload.
And here we are, 50 years later - and Gary is finally getting his due as the best Worm Grunter in the United States. He had the title of best Worm Grunter in the world until he was upset by Vladmir Porokov in 2008 Worm Grunting Championships. There have been allegations of Porokov Worm Doping by the IWGC (International Worm Grunting Coalition) - but for now Gary will be waiting to reclaim that title in 2009.
Enjoy our video press release of Gary grunting gregariously and gracefully.
Hello fellow WormCo followers. We just wanted to make sure that all of you in the Mobile, Alabama area aren't too alarmed by the recent 'Leprechaun' sightings near Mobile, Alabama. These are, in fact, our WormCo Tree Maintenance Team.
We here at WormCo make a big deal out of digging in the dirt for worms, but as you know a great deal of worms live above ground in trees. Inchworms, web worms, tent caterpillars (technically not worms but we recently revamped our diversity policy) - can all be found in trees. This is why we have a highly competent Tree Maintenance Team, who we distinguish from the rest of our labor force by having them don Derby Hats.
This is where it gets interesting, or humorous if you're the good folk here at WormCo. It seems a group of vigilant neighborhood watchmen have spotted our Tree Team and have mistaken them for Leprechauns. Green? Check. Derby Hat? Check. Only problem is these are just WormCo employees and not a Leprechaun.
The local news has obtained an amateur drawing of one of our handsome WormCo employees doing his duties for our company. It can be seen below.
For a more comprehensive look at this hullabaloo our Tree Team has caused down there in Alabama you can click on the video below. Sorry folks, as much as we know that you want to know 'where the gold at' you'll have to wait until next St. Patrick's Day to see if a real Leprechaun comes along.
Up From The Underground!!!! Well, and just for today - Up In The Tree!!! ... as well.
We here at WormCo understand that these are challenging times. This is why we have proposed the WormCo stimulus package through one of our WormCo representatives on Capitol Hill. We hope that a couple free worms from us here at WormCo can keep you afloat. If not - good luck and don't forget to dig in the dirt to keep your heads above water.
