Friday, March 30, 2007

As if the world really needed another reason...


...to endulge themselves in rich, wormly goodness. Now the benefits of worms are being validated by good ol' pocket protector wearing, taped in the middle horned-rim glasses having, snort laughing, clam digger pants sporting scientists!

In the old days, members of the American media had our beloved consumers believe that having worms was a bad thing; an affliction, a "disease" if you will. Negative terms like parasite, bacteria, deadbeat, freeloader, snake wannabe, and floozy were tossed around liberally, and quite erroneously I might add. Case in point - the great Dog Stroke Scandal of '03 (link). A negative stigma was unjustly attached to our products, much like flicking your chin at an Italian or owning child labor (don't get me started on this again; where else can you find workers that work virtually for free, have tiny little fingers that eliminate the need for most fine plucking tools like tweezers and small hand troughs, and whose minds are completely malleable to the ideals of the corporation? Mexico?? Well, maybe actually, let me get back on that) and soon the average non-wormeducated person was suddenly running for the any patch of land they could find without mud on it. This unadulterated period of wormscrimination was and will forever remain a dark asterisk in the history of our country.

However, it appears that the winds of change be blowin' in our favor. Recent scientific studies have shown that regular doses of worms can rid people of inflammatory bowel disease, which can lead to several debilitating maladies such as Fayetville Fire Ass, Hot Dump Surprise, Colon Caliente Syndrome (CCS), and the Bubble Guts. Anybody who has suffered from any one of these traumas understands all too well the severe and, quite frankly, embarassing ramifications of such diseases, and the plague they have become in the rapidly increasing fast food culture sweeping the globe (Taco Bell, we're looking in your direction). Notable sufferers of these anal afflictions include Louie Anderson, Chuck Woolery, Jaleel White, Shelly Long, every member of Menudo, and the guy who played Freddie "Boom Boom" Washington on Welcome Back Kotter. This clearly is an issue whose time has come, and who better to be a saviour than our beloved, limbless little heroes?

Though we have in the past tried to discourage our customers from eating our worms (though it has always been the consumers right to do as they please once they have paid in full), we all understand that this growing issue is bigger than all of us. Our brave little annelids are willing to make the ultimate sacrifice for the betterment of human kind, so please, we beg you not to let this show of fortitude go unnoticed. If you have any of the aformentioned afflictions, please call Wormco today; we will even upgrade shipping to overnight at no additional charge to you. Most health care plans cover worm-related treatments; we recommend the HMO (Healthy Mealworm Option) if you have the choice. For those of you fortunate not to suffer, your time could be coming, so we recommend preventative maintenence. After all, as we've always said around here, a worm a day keeps the asses of fire away!

DW

Wednesday, March 28, 2007

Worms > Fleas

Hi Folks. One of our field sales reps from the Montgomery Office let us know that the competition is "talking smack" and trying to pass off a Flea Market to drive out WormCo in this worm-rich area. Despite this person's sweet worm-colored outfit that he showcases during his time of "breaking it down" this type of practice will not be tolerated.

Visit the Worm Market a couple of miles down on 2nd street, right next to Uncle Earl's Broasted Chicken Shack. We know you won't be disappointed.

In fact, mention that you came to the Worm Market instead of the Flea Market, and we'll give you 2 batches of Meal Worms for free. We appreciate your business, and want you to remember one of the tenets of our corporation:

Don't bother going to market to buy a flea
When you can get 2 batches of Meal Worm for free!

The above statement is trademarked and unconditional property of Worco, LLC.

The fact that the above sentence rhymes with the slogan above it is mere coincidence.

Friday, March 23, 2007

Don't Mess With Worms

This is a video smuggled from our Japanese branch. Our translators here at WormCo have worked diligently to properly translate this to all of our loyal customers our there.

You see, these two fellows in the video were quite insolent to the worms, and they definitely escaped serious consequences by the skins of their teeth.

Luckily, cooler worm heads prevailed and no one was injured.

As you can see, our Japanese branch is rather particular about us posting videos directly to the WormCo homepage. You will need to double click the video link above to watch it.

Up from the underground!!