Sunday, October 29, 2006

Recall on Batch 1028


It has come to our attention that Batch 1028 of our Kentucky Grubs has been contaminated by some sort of alien substance. It seems that anyone consuming this batch will suddenly go inexplicably on the prowl for sexual contact, and then after said contact has reached it's fruition, will then kill the subject with whom physical contact has been initiated.

Unfortunately this is not the first time this has happened. The 1995 film "Species" was loosely based upon the WormCo Batch 530 incident of 1987. Fortunately for us here at WormCo we were able to contain the outbreak to only 3 FTK instances, all contained within the former Soviet Union. The term FTK has since been classified by the National Worm Council, so if you would like to learn more about FTK syndrome you will have to view the film "Species."


We have tracked the majority of Batch 1028 to a small town approximately 19 miles North of Durham, NC. If anyone from Bahama, NC approches you requesting "favors" of any sort - please do yourself and WormCo a favor and back away. Contact with the woman pictured should be avoided at all costs. We will have more updates on this story as it develops.

Friday, October 20, 2006

Help Save the Sportsman's Pier


Terrible news on the distribution front - one of WormCo's largest customer-facing distribution centers, the Sportsman's Pier in Atlantic Beach, NC, is being shut down thanks to government oppression. We here at WormCo have made our careers being fighters, and aren't afraid to dig our dogs in the dirt and anchor down for a good ol' fashioned slobberknocker when our territory is threatened. This is one of those times people, we simply cannot let our historical landmark be destroyed to make way for tastless condominiums - who wants to live in a tiny box surrounded by other people in tiny boxes? "Hey, look at me, I live right by the ocean! Too bad my box is so tiny and surrounded by other tiny boxes that I can't see it." And who ever heard of fishing with good old fashioned WormCo worms from a condominium anyways? Doesn't make a hogs spit of sense to me either. We have to fight this people; if you have a say, make your voice heard to the Carteret County local government before it's too late!

Tuesday, October 17, 2006

Inspiration from our Corporate Spokes"worm"


From time to time, we here at WormCo like to take about ten steps back from the tawdry business world and get back to basics. Understandibly, we can sometimes get wrapped up in the whirlwind of our lives and forget to take time to appreciate the little things, the important things, the reasons why we're in this business in the first place. That's why I'd like to share the following small testimonial from our chief spokes"worm", the incomparable Chuck Norris:


Chuck Norris believes that part of the divine plan for his life came when he first stepped into the world of worms while on his military tour in Korea as a young man. Something inside him loved every minute of the invertebrates. 'I was just a start-and-stop guy. I could never really follow through on anything that I started. Worming was really the first thing in my life that I followed through on and accomplished a degree of proficiency for,' he admitted. Crediting the worms with building his self-esteem and teaching him discipline and focus, Norris was finally able to rise above his painfully shy self. At 21 he was asked to do a wormimg demonstration at March Air Force Base in California for a crowd of about 400. Having never been before an audience, Norris was nervous, so he decided to write out his speech and memorize it. The day of the event, however, things went differently than planned.

'That night, I picked up the microphone. My palms were sweating and I said, ‘Good evening, ladies and gentlemen, my name is Chuck Norris and I would like to welcome you here tonight.’ That was the last thing I remembered. The next thing I remembered, I was walking out into the middle of the gym, and as I was walking out there, I was thinking, Did I say anything else, or did I just lay the microphone down? To this day, I don’t know.'

Despite the memory lapse, Norris told me, 'I was able to crack that egg of insecurity that I had carried around for 21 years by doing that. I kept forcing myself to keep doing that, and eventually I was able to overcome it. And without question, I owe every inch of my success to the worm industry and all the wonderfully effusive worms I've met along the way. Without these worms, I would have never made Delta Force or Sidekicks.'

Early struggles seem to have suited Norris just fine. As they say, ‘Whatever doesn’t kill you makes you stronger. And much, much wormier.'


Chuck, we hear your loud and clear friend. You certainly are and will always be one of us! Best wormgards, DW

Sunday, October 15, 2006

Scandal Rocks Caterpillar




As one of our spin-off companies, we have always kept an eye on Caterpillar. When they decided to exit the worm business in 1973 and focus solely on expanding into construction equipment, DaddyWorm and I knew they had made the right decision.

Ferdinand Wormpacker left WormCo in 1970 to open his own competing worm business, but the pure digging power of WormCo made it impossible for him to compete with us. He then diversified his offerings to digging equipment to try to compete with WormCo, but alas - our brand and savvy business innovation made it impossible for Caterpillar to compete. Caterpillar then became the successful earth-moving equipment maker you know today, which makes the news from this weekend all the more disturbing and senseless.

Just this weekend, we learned that Wormpacker was secretly stockpiling worms in the Cayman Islands to launch a surprise acquisition attempt of WormCo. Of course, Cayman Worm Laundering was made illegal by the Worm Accords of 1977 after the hostile takeover of Nightcrawler, Inc. by Bloodworm and Bloodworm, Ltd. The US Worm Bureau learned of Caterpillar's Worm Laundering on Saturday and will be levying over $2B in fines to punish them. This will almost surely affect their earth-moving equipment business as well.

The lesson to be learned is WormCo cannot and will not be stopped, especially not by one formerly of our employ. This, of course, will effectively end our relationship with Caterpillar and utilizing their dirt-digging equipment. Plans have been put in place to have a marketing campaign put together showing our spokesperson, Chuck Norris, digging up worms on a Komatsu bulldozer. Chuck Norris alone should be enough to strike fear in all of our competitors, but Norris on a Komatsu with WormCo behind him..... that's what we like to refer as total wormination.

Sianara, Caterpillar.

Update from the SoilNet acquisition


As anticipated early last week, the SoilNet acquisition talks turned ugly when C-level executives in the Mexican-based company, at the urging of the Mexican government, held out for a higher purchase price from WormCo. No formal resolution has been achieved at this point, though we do think that they may be strongly reconsidering their position after the first wave of "talks". And by "talks", I mean "Indian midget butt whompin". Someone managed to sneak a camera into the boardroom for the initial negotiation session; against the advice of our lawyers, we are making this clip available to the public. There are no secrets at WormCo, as we truly are a company of the people, for the people. But not by the people, because that really would cause our payroll and budgets to soar uncontrollably, negating any profit margins.

Enjoy this clip, more updates to come as talks resume this week.

DW

Thursday, October 12, 2006

WormCo Congratulates its October Employee of the Month!



A big congratulations to Edwin "Ringo" McFadden, WormCo's October employee of the month! Your dedication and hard work are an inspiration to every skeleton-less creature in this company, and this accolade is long overdue. As a special thank you, you will recieve a 1 pound bag of fresh Bordeaux terrain soil shipped direct from the hills of France to your hole, and an extra day off to go trout fishing, your beloved pastime. Just don't get too close to that hook this time; you remember what happened down in Lake Okeechobee last summer!!!

Wednesday, October 11, 2006

Corporate Policy Update


Being a massive corporation, from time to time we here at WormCo are forced to revisit our corporate policies and procedures and make updates or changes to keep up with the times. The current global climate in the year 2006 can be quite frightening if you care to examine it closely. Nuclear threats in North Korea, world-wide terrorism, civil strife in the Sudan, Paris Hilton's methodical rise to antichristic power, any music written by the Scissor Sisters - all of these may be interpreted as warning signs of an impending apocalyptic doom. Such events upon occurrence inevitably result in the one thing no one likes to really think about - death. Our WormCo employees have been forced to keep an open mind on this subject and even embrace it in a sense, in that the cycle of human life is a major player in the wellbeing and coinciding cycle of worm life and death. ***Editors note - While the dead do help our worm production, let me make it very clear that we do not encourage or support any actions that cause the deadening of any person. WormCo-ites are lovers, not fighters (trust me, I'm involved in the prospective employee interview process).*** However, when this unfortunate final stage of life does cause one to be laid to rest, it's in the best interest of everyone involved for the dearly departed to remain underground where they belong.

With this all being said, I am forced to reiterate our corporate stance on zombies. WormCo must take a definitive stand on the far left - the anti-zombie side - of this increasingly sensitive issue. With so much death in the world, and added to that nuclear testing and plutonium tea parties everywhere you look, the certainty of zombie hordes popping up anywhere, any time, is unavoidable. And simply put, zombies are bad for business. Case 1 - if zombies are up and walking around, what do our worms eat? Granted the irony is zombies kill more people, theoretically causing more food for our worms, but then they get up and start walking around also, leaving nothing for our beloved invertebrate money makers. Case 2 - with all these zombies walking around all over the place, the likelihood of a worm being stepped on and killed is magnified tenfold. Case 3 - as already mentioned, zombies kill people. Our marketing executives estimate that 96% of all WormCo customers are people, so do the math. I doubt that remaining 4% are a bunch of billionaire meerkats waiting to spend their fortunes on the next helminth shipment from North Korea (though if that is the case, Shakespeare, love the show. Lets do lunch!).

To reiterate, we strongly discourage our employees and our worms from associating with any undead life forms. In fact, we encourage an aggressive position of eradicating all zombies from the earth as soon as contact is made with them. We do not encourage looking them directly in the eyes, reciting poetry with them, nor engaging them in shuffleboard matches (I can speak from personal experience on this subject, zombies are flat out H-U-S-T-L-E-R-S on a shuffleboard court. They will straight up embarrass you in front of your ladyfriend then take your Benjamins and your cerebellum). It is best to stay trained and ready to combat these creatures at all times; we feel strongly enough about this to offer a free copy of Max Brooks' Zombie Survival Guide to all employees and spokesworms. We also will now require our employees become proficient weapons experts and savvy re-killers in anti-zombie affairs; to this end, we are instituting an intense program developed by EvilSoft, the undisputed leader in tactical zombie training programs. Their Zombie Attack training module will get everyone up to speed on the most efficient zombie elimination methodology and keep them there.

As you can see, we are taking this seriously and ask that our employees do the same. We also ask that the most important folks to us, our valued customers, protect themselves using the resources mentioned above. We all do our part, and we'll be able to walk hand-in-hand in a zombie-free capitalist paradise with worms for everyone for years to come!

DW

This sign was sent to us from one of our worm reps in Mississippi Mill, MS. While we appreciate the humor put forth by Zion Pentecostal Tabernacle Church, we'd like to point out that they would have to save the souls of close to 1/2 of the Earth's population to back that claim up! We never stop digging that dirt. The lucrative soil in this state yields almost 20.3B worms per capita, and in Mississippi alone, we dig an average of 2.87B holes every year.

We can't fault Zion Pentecostal for their lofty (no pun intended) goals - and we appreciate their zeal to strive to be the best at what they do. For this, we plan on donating 1000 of our finest Red Wigglers to Zion Pentecostal. Community relations are key to us here at WormCo - and we are confident Zion Pentacostal will soon be disciples of the WormCo way.

Up from the Underground!!!!

Tuesday, October 10, 2006

Nothing is what it seems...

From the Associated News Worm-Wire -

This just in, complications have arisen with the pending Soilnet acquisition. It is being speculated that Venezuelan President Hugo Chavez has an impending corraboration with the Mexican government to conduct critical pattern testing of Happy Fun Balls in none other than Dirt City, Jalisco, Mexico on Guy Fawkes day (11/5). As discussed previously on this website, the effects of radiation on the worms in our employ are quite beneficial to the WormCo cause, thus yielding larger potential per share gains for the company and its affiliates. With the proposed tests on the immediate horizon, officials in the Mexican government have found a loophole in the new Security Market Law (Ley del Mercado de Valores) and is reportedly encouraging SoilNet to holdout for a higher bid price from WormCo. Early speculations indicate SoilNet may hold out for triple the original 6 million USD ask price, a considerable increase from the initial bid. It is well known that Wormco has a virtual stockpile of capital rivaled by few companies on the planet, so lack of funds is certainly a non-issue for the creative geniuses behind the organization. What is unkown is how the executives will respond to such hardball tactics.

No word yet from intergalactic supermoguls DaddyWorm and BigWorm on a public response to this shocking news, but sources have confirmed that the two have cut short their North Korean tour to skyrocket to Mexico (by way of Tijuana) to deal with the growing issue. When asked for his opinion on the two leaders leaving early to attend to more important matters, Philip Seymour Hoffworm was quoted as saying "where's Mark Wahlberg mmmrrgggehhh".

More details as we get them.

Public Apology


Sometimes in life, even public figures and billionaire corporate moguls make mistakes. When running a company as intergalactically dominant as ours, you find yourself wearing many hats, so to speak, and juggling many responsibilities. At times, things can get to be too much even for the most powerful of figures, forcing a momentary lapse in judgement. Upon consultation by WormCo's team of dedicated lawyers, countless animal rights groups (including but not limited to ASPCA, PETA, WWF, GreenPeace, GreenPETA, PETAPeace, GreenPCA, WWPETAGreen, and ASPeaCeA), and a frightening latenight staredown with my 2 year old son's pet rabbit Green Beans the "hoppiest" bunny in the whole wide world, I have been urged to apologize for last nights' comments regarding interspecies relations. Rabbits, in most instances, are absolutely not simple sex toys for the pleasure of any human being. Rather, they are sweet, fluffy, quite sensitive little fellows that often smell like cedar chips and summer kisses. They are not meant to be paw-ns in our hare-raising bedroom games, nor is the Internet a playground for the rich or a place for people to post pointless ramblings and nonsense speak. I would hate it if the Internet ever got filled with pages and pages of unimportant non corporate drivel.

In closing, I apologize to all rabbits, bunnies, hares, jackalopes, and lovers of each and every one of these wonderful creatures. I feel that we have all learned a great deal from this event. I feel that I'm a stronger person and leading co-worm for this company, and look forward to finalizing the details of the SoilNet deal and welcoming our new friends from South of the border. Hello Gringos - Buenos Nachos! I also plan on being a more sensitive and politically correct leading worm going forward. So please, do yourself a favor - wherever you are out there, grab the closest rabbit, give him a big hug, share a carrot with him, and tell him a story from the good ol' days you spent in the frat house in college. He'll appreciate it, and you just might find a little bright spot inside of yourself!

DaddyWorm

WormCo Announces Intent to Acquire SoilNet


October 10, 2006 - DIRT CITY, JALISCO, MEXICO

In an unprecendeted move to continue domination of the world worm market, WormCo announced today that they will be acquiring SoilNet, Inc. SoilNet is the leading producer of underground worm tunnels and a leader in soil excavation. The reported selling price for SoilNet is in the range of 6 Million Worm options.

WormCo's stock was up .89 worms a share, or 2.7% in early trading in the New York Worm Exchange. Dirty Sanchez (pictured above), CEO of SoilNet, was quoted as saying "Holy Sheet, I'm reech main, reeeech beyond my wildest dreams!!!!!"

BigWorm and DaddyWorm, co-founders of WormCo, were unavailable for comment, as they are currently in North Korea evaluating the new nuclear worm/Philip Seymour Hoffworm developments.

Monday, October 09, 2006

Words of Wisdom


A wise man once told me "if you can't bring the funny, then go f*$# a bunny". I have only recently realized that it's not the statement itself that is that humerous; rather, it's the image garnered of a grown man - my friend Trae, for instance - having sex with a small furry rodent. THAT is absolutely hilarious.

What does this have to do with WormCo, you may ask? Not a hot damn thing, actually, but when you're the billionaire co-owner of a mega conglomerate super duper ultra awesome garantua-corporation like mine, you can say whatever you darn well please. BigWorm, holla at a playa!

You are NEVER too Young for WormCo


What's that little fella? Worm stories? You betcha.

Here at WormCo we never stop thinking about Worms. As a matter of fact, I remember when I was just a stockboy at WormCo all those years ago. I was in charge of worms receivable at the time, and was paid a hefty salary of 27 worms a day! Heck, you translate that into present-day worms and that is almost 60 worms..... but the real money is in the worm options.

With our North Korea branch testing nuclear weapons underground (where the worms be at, as the kids say!) - the possibilities are endless. Excuse us all at WormCo while we just watch the worm options go "up from the underground", as DaddyWorm used to say after those long hours in W&D (Worms and Development). All that hard work, and countless hours of digging the dirt, are paying off for the employees, the investors, most importantly - the children like little Billy here who just LOVE WormCo.

Corporate Sponsorship


Like any mega conglomerate super duper ultra awesome garantua-corporation looking to gain market mindshare and consumer awareness, WormCo is officially seeking corporate sponsorship. Corporate sponsorship in the form of a mega celebrity spokesperson to shamelessly and tirelessly hawk the WormCo product line and innate philosophy. Not just any spokesperson mind you, we are looking for someone that can simultaneously invoke fear, awe, and respect from the coveted 2 months - 87 year old demographic. Who, you ask, can fit this bill? Who could possibly combine all the qualities that any organization would look for to achieve these goals - chiseled physique, unbridled charisma, jaw-dropping physicality, qualified entertainment pedigree including some of the most memorable films of all time, and a world-class mustachio? Mr T? Philip Seymour Hoffman? Borat? No, to the staffers here at WormCo, there really is only one choice, and frankly kids, it's not even close. That said ladies and gentleman, WormCo is officially announcing it's intentions to court none other than the mastermind behind Sidekicks, the hero of the Missing in Action franchise, Walker, Texas Ranger himself, the one and only Chuck Norris.

Mr Norris, we understand that you recieve literally thousands of requests a day for sponsorships, endorsement deals, speaking engagements, private massage therapy sessions, and light dominatrix work from corporations and fans alike. This being the case, we have chosen to woo you via our innovative and groundbreaking blog process, where we intend to "kill you with kindness" until you acquiesce. You are arguably, nay, definitively, THE most important human being to have ever walked the planet earth (and more than likely the other 8 planets, including Pluto {Pluto, you'll always be one of us!}), more important than Einstein, Napolean, Dustin Diamond and Timmy Greenhill combined. You are a true American hero, and we are a truly heroic American corporate powerhouse. We were made for each other, and we intend to show you this through the power of our blog. I truly look forward to our anticipated partnership, and hope to hear from your "people" soon.

In the meantime, all those who doubt our decision (or simply need their daily reminder of why Chuck is quite close to the same level as the big man himself, please visit http://4q.cc/index.php?pid=top100&person=chuck ASAP).

Godspeed, and a hearty WormCo "Dirty Cheers" to all!

DaddyWorm

Corporate Mantra

WormCo - Building Success from the Under-Ground Up!

Learn it, live it, love it. Taking this seriously will "worm" your heart, I guarantee it.

At WormCo, every negative yields a positive...


We must not overlook the singular importance of bird flu HN51 to our global cause. Most westerners consider this epidemic to be detrimental, however we at WormCo know otherwise as we have found the proverbial "silver lining" associated with it. Simple math - less birds, more worms; more worms, more shirts; more shirts, more opportunity; more opportunity, more money to buy the more worms that are now available; and so on and so forth. Unfortunately the recent nuclear testing in North Korea is threatening to offset these gains in one of our more crucial Asian supply centers, as WormCo sources the majority of it's underage worm labor force from NorthEastern Asia. Again, we at WormCo have found the bright side to this international crisis, as we now are able to source larger radiation-fueled "super worms". This hybrid race needs no food and no longer requires moisture from dirt to rehydrate their invertebrate bodies. They are also 80 feet long and have 4 sets of testicles, enabling increased work load and advanced reproductive capabilities. They also bear an uncanny resemblance to Philip Seymour Hoffman, which may provide an in to the lucrative Hollywood market we've been after so long. The only issue will be what to do with the real PSH, as he may indeed frown upon a giant glowing worm masquerading in his guise throughout the seedy underbelly of Southern California. This plan will need further development, so please check back often for subsequent statements to our investors...

Sunday, October 08, 2006

Business is Great in Our Asia Pacific Branch!


Wow - things are looking up, up, UP in our Asian markets. In fact, our investors can't stop jumping for joy..... dancing.... pretty much every form of jubilation imaginable. Click the picture above for a video of one of our investors immediately after he viewed our 3rd quarter results!!