Sunday, October 29, 2006

Recall on Batch 1028


It has come to our attention that Batch 1028 of our Kentucky Grubs has been contaminated by some sort of alien substance. It seems that anyone consuming this batch will suddenly go inexplicably on the prowl for sexual contact, and then after said contact has reached it's fruition, will then kill the subject with whom physical contact has been initiated.

Unfortunately this is not the first time this has happened. The 1995 film "Species" was loosely based upon the WormCo Batch 530 incident of 1987. Fortunately for us here at WormCo we were able to contain the outbreak to only 3 FTK instances, all contained within the former Soviet Union. The term FTK has since been classified by the National Worm Council, so if you would like to learn more about FTK syndrome you will have to view the film "Species."


We have tracked the majority of Batch 1028 to a small town approximately 19 miles North of Durham, NC. If anyone from Bahama, NC approches you requesting "favors" of any sort - please do yourself and WormCo a favor and back away. Contact with the woman pictured should be avoided at all costs. We will have more updates on this story as it develops.

Sunday, October 15, 2006

Scandal Rocks Caterpillar




As one of our spin-off companies, we have always kept an eye on Caterpillar. When they decided to exit the worm business in 1973 and focus solely on expanding into construction equipment, DaddyWorm and I knew they had made the right decision.

Ferdinand Wormpacker left WormCo in 1970 to open his own competing worm business, but the pure digging power of WormCo made it impossible for him to compete with us. He then diversified his offerings to digging equipment to try to compete with WormCo, but alas - our brand and savvy business innovation made it impossible for Caterpillar to compete. Caterpillar then became the successful earth-moving equipment maker you know today, which makes the news from this weekend all the more disturbing and senseless.

Just this weekend, we learned that Wormpacker was secretly stockpiling worms in the Cayman Islands to launch a surprise acquisition attempt of WormCo. Of course, Cayman Worm Laundering was made illegal by the Worm Accords of 1977 after the hostile takeover of Nightcrawler, Inc. by Bloodworm and Bloodworm, Ltd. The US Worm Bureau learned of Caterpillar's Worm Laundering on Saturday and will be levying over $2B in fines to punish them. This will almost surely affect their earth-moving equipment business as well.

The lesson to be learned is WormCo cannot and will not be stopped, especially not by one formerly of our employ. This, of course, will effectively end our relationship with Caterpillar and utilizing their dirt-digging equipment. Plans have been put in place to have a marketing campaign put together showing our spokesperson, Chuck Norris, digging up worms on a Komatsu bulldozer. Chuck Norris alone should be enough to strike fear in all of our competitors, but Norris on a Komatsu with WormCo behind him..... that's what we like to refer as total wormination.

Sianara, Caterpillar.

Wednesday, October 11, 2006


This sign was sent to us from one of our worm reps in Mississippi Mill, MS. While we appreciate the humor put forth by Zion Pentecostal Tabernacle Church, we'd like to point out that they would have to save the souls of close to 1/2 of the Earth's population to back that claim up! We never stop digging that dirt. The lucrative soil in this state yields almost 20.3B worms per capita, and in Mississippi alone, we dig an average of 2.87B holes every year.

We can't fault Zion Pentecostal for their lofty (no pun intended) goals - and we appreciate their zeal to strive to be the best at what they do. For this, we plan on donating 1000 of our finest Red Wigglers to Zion Pentecostal. Community relations are key to us here at WormCo - and we are confident Zion Pentacostal will soon be disciples of the WormCo way.

Up from the Underground!!!!

Tuesday, October 10, 2006

WormCo Announces Intent to Acquire SoilNet


October 10, 2006 - DIRT CITY, JALISCO, MEXICO

In an unprecendeted move to continue domination of the world worm market, WormCo announced today that they will be acquiring SoilNet, Inc. SoilNet is the leading producer of underground worm tunnels and a leader in soil excavation. The reported selling price for SoilNet is in the range of 6 Million Worm options.

WormCo's stock was up .89 worms a share, or 2.7% in early trading in the New York Worm Exchange. Dirty Sanchez (pictured above), CEO of SoilNet, was quoted as saying "Holy Sheet, I'm reech main, reeeech beyond my wildest dreams!!!!!"

BigWorm and DaddyWorm, co-founders of WormCo, were unavailable for comment, as they are currently in North Korea evaluating the new nuclear worm/Philip Seymour Hoffworm developments.

Monday, October 09, 2006

You are NEVER too Young for WormCo


What's that little fella? Worm stories? You betcha.

Here at WormCo we never stop thinking about Worms. As a matter of fact, I remember when I was just a stockboy at WormCo all those years ago. I was in charge of worms receivable at the time, and was paid a hefty salary of 27 worms a day! Heck, you translate that into present-day worms and that is almost 60 worms..... but the real money is in the worm options.

With our North Korea branch testing nuclear weapons underground (where the worms be at, as the kids say!) - the possibilities are endless. Excuse us all at WormCo while we just watch the worm options go "up from the underground", as DaddyWorm used to say after those long hours in W&D (Worms and Development). All that hard work, and countless hours of digging the dirt, are paying off for the employees, the investors, most importantly - the children like little Billy here who just LOVE WormCo.

Sunday, October 08, 2006

Business is Great in Our Asia Pacific Branch!


Wow - things are looking up, up, UP in our Asian markets. In fact, our investors can't stop jumping for joy..... dancing.... pretty much every form of jubilation imaginable. Click the picture above for a video of one of our investors immediately after he viewed our 3rd quarter results!!